Thursday, October 11, 2012
Seems to be my former self. I sat here reading it and felt so so so sad. I didn’t seem as reserved as I find myself lately. I sat here reading my old posts and I laughed. I laughed at my stories, I laughed at the pictures I posted and memories that I wrote down. I was so much less injured as I find myself tonight.
Maybe it’s because I didn’t have anyone I thought would read it and judge me, or talk about me and laugh at what I have to say. Now, I have gathered more people who I feel might read what I have to say and laugh.
I seemed so light hearted back then. I didn’t feel as alone as I do now.
Now, I have people who don’t like me. I am sure I did then but I didn’t seem to notice or care. I have lost a few friends since then. And no matter what anyone says, I am so very sad and hurt. I have taken this last year to sort things out and heal.
But finding these writings has opened up a wound.
I want to be the person who isn’t afraid to be funny again and write about what I need to write about because I find it therapeutic and I maybe just one person can relate to me and feel better. I have been afraid to put things out there because I haven’t wanted people to see my hurts, vulnerability, victories and the things that make me happy.
I am done being intimidated!
I am writing again because it’s part of my therapy and yes, I see a therapist! Maybe you should also! ;)
I want to not give a damn again and just feel free to share and write how I feel! So here I go!
It’s 1:30am and I should be asleep but I can’t sleep because I am determined to get back to who I really am. I am going to write and I hope that it touches someone.
So there…I am making my declaration, and if you choose to be part of my journey I am grateful!
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
The account of events go as follow:
- My marriage was suddenly in crisis mode and I found myself separated from my husband of 14 yrs. The results of that was a new found strength and resolve to be the best woman I could be for my daughter and for myself. I found my voice. I grew a spine. I faced my own flaws and sought therapy and counsel. I was freed from feeling guilty for having needs. I became more aware of my husbands imperfection but was able to see his flaws with more grace than I thought was possible, if that makes any sense at all. I was given a gift of peace. It was such an incredible time of learning, understanding, and grace. I would not trade it for anything!
- 7 weeks later in March my husband moved back home and we were a family again. We were able to seek to understand each other, with the effort from my husband to try to understand me wholly and completely. What man does that? We remained in therapy for one year.
- I had a "friendship breakup" due to what happened between my husband and I. I don't do these well and this friend was very close. (This was one of 3 or 4 in two years!) Our husbands were close, our kids were close and I considered them family. I don't do these well at all! (Did I mention that???) ;)
- In June 2010 we decided to get back to our roots as a couple and live closer to the beach. For about 20 years I would stop at this stop light that faced a lagoon that fed into the ocean, and I would always send out a little prayer and if someone was in the car with me I would always say, "If I could have any view, I would have this view! It is perfect! You have this amazing lagoon and then the ocean! It's beautiful!" So I went looking for places to rent closer to the beach and I found a condo on that very lagoon for $500 cheaper than what we were paying at the time. It must be to good to be true, but it wasn't! The condo was directly behind the stop light I would stop at all those years! All those times I would say that prayer, I was looking right past my new home! We left our 4 bedroom home and moved into our two bedroom condo with my dream view.
- September came along and my baby girl, now teenager, started high school! We had an amazing summer and were ready for this new phase of life! My marriage was amazing, my family was amazing and my friendships were solid. We were settled in our amazing condo, taking our beach cruisers to the beach and farmers market. We were having fun wine tasting, playing at the beach and enjoying the freedom that comes with having a teenager who is responsible and pretty self sufficient. We were mostly working from home together, and enjoying planning our future after a four short years, when our only child would graduate from High School. We wanted to sell our company in three years or so and move to Hawaii, or the North Shore of Oahu specifically. That's where we, as a family, have felt the most at home! That's where our daughter wanted to go to college, she even has a U of H t-shirt! Plans were set, four more years and we are hiking Diamond Head four days a week and swimming with the sea turtles in Waimea Bay! But then.....
- I believe it was the first week of October and I was sitting on the couch next to my husband, with my laptop working away and around noon and I was hit with a wave of nausea! I walked to the bathroom and took a few deep breaths, felt dizzy, took a couple more breaths and went back to work. I was fine. The next day, the same thing happened...what the...?!? This is not normal, as I thought as I was dry heaving into the toilet, I must be sick! I called my best friend and told her, I think I am pregnant!!!! She laughed and said that for sure I was NOT but if I was going to stress out about it, go buy a pregnancy test and take it because we were supposed to have sushi that night and I was going to have a few Saki bombs and I should not have to worry about this! After all I had not used any birth control for 14 years and had not gotten pregnant, so why was I so worried! I picked up my daughter from school and stopped at CVS. When she asked why we were stopping there, I was so on edge that I snapped at her and drove home as fast as I could to take that test! I had taken a million test over the years, all were negative and I was always either devastated or just a little disappointed. I was sure, or was I, that this would be the same. The difference was that this time I had my future planned out so much that if that test was negative I would breathe a sigh of relief!!! I could not have been more satisfied, more content, or in want of anything else...my life was complete...but, was it? I sat there staring at that test...all those years I had wanted this test to look like this. Now there are two lines, which means what? I am having a baby?!? A baby and a teenager?!? I cried, ran upstairs as my husband was doing dishes, threw the test down and yelled, " You got me pregnant!!!"
- Fast forward to December...We found out we were having a baby girl (again), and couldn't be any happier than at that moment. Another girl to dress, kiss, tie daddy around her finger and give Michayla a sister (which she wanted so bad, after I got pregnant)! Sofia Bella...our unspoken answered prayer, so now you decide to arrive!
- Fast forward to the first week in June. She came so fast that the doctor didn't even deliver her! She was almost born in the elevator! I don't even remember pushing and there she was. My first impression of her was that she was so tiny and pretty! She had the perfect amount of hair and was so amazingly alert! The first thing she did when her daddy held her was pucker her lips and let her daddy kiss her over and over again! This tiny little unexpected gift was on planet earth and ready to party!
- During the last couple weeks of my pregnancy I was on bed rest for my blood pressure. I had another "friendship breakup" but this time I did NOT end it and it was based on so many lies and desperation on another person's behalf. I once again was left devastated...I kind of knew the day would come with this friend, but nonetheless, my heart was broken. This was a "sister like" friend. I was left unable to defend myself, and I feared for her safety. I don't do well with this kind of thing...remember...Two in less than a year, are you kidding me???
- Oh, Sofia Bella...How you came in and took our breath away!!! We took her home from the hospital weighing 5lbs 12 ounces. She was this amazing miracle and I was on cloud nine! Her and Michayla seemed to have a bond almost immediately. We had her come into the room before anyone else so she could hold her sister without being self conscience. She took her and she was a natural! ( I was blown away!) When my parents came into the room and took Sofia from her she told them to be careful and not to drop her! Nothing she could ever say could make me so happy, she is her big sissy!!!
- Oh, these next few months...a lot of months...like 13 of them...WOW!!! I didn't do baby years so well with my first, when I was 22 let alone now that I am 37! I wanted to make sure that I treasured these baby months because I was overwhelmed and sooooooooo tired with Michayla. I look back at videos and kick myself for not enjoying every second with that precious baby girl. I was determined, dammit!!! I don't know if I did so well...
- I have written more than I thought I would...so this is where I where I say, to be continued for those of you who give a darn...
Monday, November 1, 2010
Mumford & Sons is my new favorite band of the week (and the last few weeks). Perfect fall listening music. It just makes me want to curl up with a bag of Saltine Crackers in front of a fire with a good book and a blanket! Hope you enjoy them as much as I do....CHEERS!
Sunday, October 31, 2010
So you might be wondering what is going on in my life, right? Of course you are, because you are dying to know, hence the title of my blog (sarcasm implied).
I have found myself knocked up after 13 years of not being able to get pregnant and quite happy with my fabulous 13 year old daughter being my only child! Pregnant after deciding in June to downsize from our 4 bedroom house to our current 2 bedroom beach side condo! My adorable baby girl, Michayla Joy or MJ for short, will be 14 when this said baby will be born, and when she graduates from High School, said baby will be starting Kindergarten. I will be starting all over...at this realization right now, I need to put down this computer and grab a ginger beer and tums...be right back.
Okay, I have composed myself, I am going to be okay (I think)!
All my people, those would be my friends and family, are so excited, thrilled, over the moon! Oh, to live vicariously through someone else's pregnancy and not to have to deal with any of the miseries of finding yourself knocked up. For example let's just take last nights events, none of my people had to toss their carne asada fries in a dark ally while children were trick or treating in town and more than likely be a lesson to children, "See kids, that is why you don't drink alcohol. Tsssk, tsssk, tsssk..." I can't even have a glass of wine, beer or morning mimosa with brunch, a past time I enjoyed very much! But hey, my people can be excited about this monkey that will be what I call, "The Community Baby"! The village will raise this child!
Tonight is Halloween and I managed to make my daughter a tutu in between bouts of running to kneel at the porcelain throne. I must admit, just typing that sentence makes me feel like some sort of motherly saint, domestic goddess, or crazy loon hellbent on playing with tulle and ribbon (so pretty)! I have decorated Halloween cups, made cocktails for my friends (without much resentment), bought some fake eyelashes, and hopefully will be attending a BBQ tonight (without tossing anything up), while MJ and her friends trick or treat for the first time by themselves (Lord have mercy).
So there you go, there is my first blog post, because you were just dying to know!